Mosquito

In Central Park near a pond, two hipsters sat on a park bench looking morose when...

“Ouch!” 

“There was a mosquito.” 

“So?”

“So it was biting you.”

“It was just trying to eat.”

“No, females take blood to their babies, and one drop can feed thousands.”

“Whatever.”

“Well, there's nothing worse than a high pitched whine at night. It seems like they target my ears.”

“So we should just kill them, right? Like their very existence is an intolerable nuisance.”

“Hey, are you really offended right now? Are you seriously advocating the rights of mosquitoes?  Admit it, you're just a little pissed because I slapped you.”

“Don't flip this on me, answer my question first.”

“Yes, mosquitoes are evil, they should all die. We should round them up and put them in camps and gas them all--”

“Whoa! Butt hurt much?”

“You know I hate that term.”

“Just saying, you seem a bit defensive.”

“Yes, I'm defending myself and my God given right to slap as many mosquitoes as possible.”

“Interesting choice of words.”

“You know what I mean. There must be a biological reason why we hate the sound of their buzzing wings. All mammals hate mosquitoes. My dog bites them out of the air.”

“Your dog licks its asshole.”

“Well he can't use toilet paper or take showers without thumbs, but what does that have to do with killing mosquitoes?”

“Using an animal's behavior as some sort of ethical meter is not convincing. I'm just not down with you or your dog's righteous crusade against the mosquitoes.”

“Righteous? So this is a religious thing with you now?”

“Not religious. You know I'm agnostic, but as a conscious human with a sense of right and wrong, I place things in varying shades of gray.”

“And mosquitoes are what? Some sort of black zone? Is killing them in the ultimate no-no category?”

“Well I certainly am not making the golden halo around my head shine any brighter when I don't slap them, but it makes me happy when I consciously resist the urge. It's taking a life when the itch really isn't that bad.”

“Oh my God. I don't know if we can be friends.”

“What?” --Laughs-- “So you're like the Nazi who found he's been talking to a Jew?”

“Now who's using stupid analogies? Jews never woke Hitler up at night with a high pitched whine trying to suck his blood--”

“Says you...”
"What?"
"Joking, go on."

“Okay, if you're not slapping mosquitoes, that means that you are donating your blood to thousands, maybe even millions or billions, of baby mosquitoes that will come try to suck my blood. Not cool.”

“And why can't you just deal with a little itch?”

“It's more the noise of their wings, but did you know that malaria has killed half the entire human population? If you added up every human, from cave men on, half of them died from malaria.”

“No, I didn't know that, but I don't see how that's relevant, being as we don't have malaria here.”

“Mosquitoes is how it's relevant! They're out to kill us.”

“No, some are guilty of carrying a virus that may kill some people, but not us. That's like saying that people with AIDs are out to kill us because they're infected.”

“No, it's like saying mosquitoes are like psychopaths with AIDs that try to have unprotected sex and share as many needles as possible--”

“Excuse me, but a close friend of mine just found out they have HIV, so could you show a little more sensitivity please?”

“Your the one who used it as an example.”

“I know and I regret it.  No more analogies please, can we agree on that?”

“Okay, whatever, but Jesus, this whole sensitivity thing is going too far when you start letting mosquitoes bite you just to feel holier than thou.”

“Hey, I'm no saint, but as an American, I know how much the rest of the world suffers, and if not slapping a mosquito, and dealing with a temporary itch, helps me feel more in touch with humanity, than I don't see how I can be accused of anything... unsavory.  I'm controlling my life and trying to live in peace with my fellow earthlings.”

“So that's why you're going vegan.”

“Yes, and factory farming is evil.”

“Sure it's evil, but whether or not you consume  fast food burgers, the industry will still churn out the meat of those tortured animals.  There's a hundred million Americans in line for it right now.”

“It's sick.”

“It is.”
"The hormones and antibiotics."
"Disgusting."

“So how do you justify those occasional lazy cruises through the drive through?”

“I don't. I know it's disgusting.  I'm weak, but when I think about the insanity, and life on this planet with the oceans rising, and the rest of the mess, I can't help but think it doesn't make a lick of difference whether or not I eat a Jumbo Jack."
"It did to the cow who lived in a tiny pen surrounded by shit its whole life."
"Hey, I get that, but if I'm not mistaken, we're both wearing clothes made by Chinese people who were basically working for slave wages, so please don't claim to be on the high road."
"Well at least I'm not eating them."
"Really?  So you're saying it's okay?  The animals should be frolicking in open spaces, but the Chinese people putting microchips in iPhones 16 hours a day aren't prisoners of a corrupt world that you help perpetuate with irresponsible consumption."
"I'm not saying that it's a fair world, and you're right, I probably should have looked into getting a fair-trade phone but I'm not going to just give up on the rest of my choices.  I'm still going to try to live with compassion."
"What about the millions of bacterial skin flora that you annihilate every time you wash your hands?  Are you going to stop bathing?"
"No, I'm not delusional.  I know that life and death are inevitable, but I want to limit my impact."
"Within reason."
"Yes, and I promise not to go off the deep end and join some cult."
"That's great, but I'm definitely not losing any sleep over the thousands of mosquitoes I've slapped.”

“Well that's where you and me are different. I'm trying to change myself even if the world doesn't notice.”

“I still think mosquitoes are evilness with wings incarnate, and I think this sensitivity thing of yours is a phase.  So if we're going to hang out, you can't tell me not to slap them.”

“Okay, but I can tell you not to slap them on me, and you can't tell me that I should kill them.”

“You should kill them.”

“You're an asshole.”

“I know.  Why else would my dog lick me?"